A post shared by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
I have a lot of stuff to blog about for my whole UMASS Boston Spring 2017 Semester; The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (Film pun COMPLETELY INTENDED... because I did 2 video classes + digital media)
Anyways... I'm sure people wanna see THE JACKALOPE.
If you happen to be in Boston, drive by The Boston Convention center. I'm sure u'll see it.
Stress is something I really have to deal with, head on, and by head on, I actually mean avoid, cut out, eliminate.
I was in the emergency room, because I overdosed on doxylamine (sleeping pills) trying DESPERATELY to get some sleep because I hadn't slept in 7 days, and needed SLEEP SO BADLY because I wanted to finish my HTML coding for my Digital Media, and my brain just wasn't working without sleep. Whenever I get anxiety, I can't sleep. Insomnia is THE WORST, because I would lay in bed completely exhausted, and millimeters away from sleep, but never reaching it... it was like being too tired to sleep.
I had promised myself I would NEVER abuse myself like this, and I let myself get pushed anyway...
I kinda got snookered into some people pleasing patterns again... and that doesn't always end well...
Anyways, I have new stuff coming up also.
It's a new take on my "Eyewitness" project... But, with Qilin!
So, more of that coming up.... maybe, possibly, probably, perhaps, some bigger news with that.... next month? *knocks wood*
Since, literally, THE very first day of the semester I got SLAMMED with a spur of the moment project with an ABRUPT DEADLINE, and a TON of pressure to preform. The BIG thing was a competition for Art On The Marquee which is this MASSIVE, HUGE, building made of gigantic screens.
I had to come up with a proposal, demonstrate it, and I was so scared of failing, and especially scared that my original idea wouldn't go over very well... that it might be TOO WILD & WHIMSICAL, that I came up with a 2nd idea... which I was also forced to keep, and also submit.
The whole ordeal was nerve wracking, and THE MOST intimidating thing I'd EVER had to do. If he hadn't made us do it mandatory, I'd never have tried, because it's SO massive & scary. I had to REALLY reach & dig down DEEP into my past experiences and see what I could come up with. He was very hard on me, and wouldn't accept anything less than whatever he believed was better. I even contacted the curator, and he helped me.
This project has NEVER been done at our university, and this class I was especially invited to be in by the instructor. Not only was my best & favorite project chosen, but 2 other students (all girls) from our class.
I have been SO BUSY, that I had almost no time to do anything accept watch a few films with my daughter on the weekends.
But, despite how busy I have been (and I've only NOW gotten a bit of a break) I'm actually VERY happy with my life. I've been networking, building relationships, and I feel valued. I have not been happy in my life, at all, in years... I don't even know when the last time I was actually happy.
A post shared by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
I got free tickets to BOSTON WINE RIOT 2016 because I'm YELP ELITE but Mr. Wang refused to go. SO, I asked my friend, and he was like: YES.
Then, he was like: Hey, come work on my film.
So, I was like: OK!
The film is called "The Holy Maple Tree" and it's a lot of fun!
We JUST started filming last Sunday, and we will film every Sunday. The first scene we films if the 90's party scene(s). I actually brought a lot of my own stuff, makeup, lighting, props, etc.
A post shared by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
I wouldn't have done ANY of these things if it hadn't been for my instructor at UMASS Boston. I really did NOT have the confidence to do anything anymore, until he pushed me. And he pushes me a lot. He totally changed my life. I'm very grateful, and very lucky.
I also have a contract with a company to do a jewelry photo shoot soon. The necklace finally arrived! But, i need to get a model soon!
I actually thought I was going to have a lot more progress with this since last month, but I didn't really get to working on this that much, or the storyboards I'd wanted. I got a mixed response on Instagram. I think most people confused the 3rd sketch with the 2nd sketch. Whatever. Can't make people love or understand you!
In the new year of 2016,
It was decided FOR ME,
That I attend University,
And further my education....
And, whom decided this for me?
No, 'twas not I,
'Twas my spouse...
So many years had I spent,
At my desk, with my computer,
Or smartphone in hand,
Researching, contemplating, learning...
Philosophy had become a major part of my life,
More so than previously ever!
Yet, as this new year began,
Due to my philosophy,
I'd become more filled with a desire to return to my Art anew...
You must enroll as a Philosophy major,
Said my spouse.
You may NOT ARGUE.
That is FINAL.
Yet, my spouse was enrolled for the past several years as what?
A Fine Art Major?
I love philosophy.
I cannot live without Philosophy.
I live philosophy!
My life is Philosophy!
Yet, ART is the color of my heart!
As the months tick by,
The desire to create, and do my art,
Began to pour from me,
Fighting it causes me PAIN.
When I am in the room,
I feel pain.
I leave the room,
But I still feel pain.
I go outside,
Pain is still there.
Pain is there because I am there!
I cannot escape myself!
I leave the room,
But I am still with me,
I go into another room,
But I am still with myself,
I cannot escape myself!
Every day, once classes began,
Was pain,
The commute is pain,
My back is pain,
My legs are pain,
My mind is pain,
My mind is stress,
Why am I here?
If I am not here for me,
Then who am I here for?
My spouse?
Does this compute?
It's determined for me, by many,
That a Degree in Philosophy will polish me as a Statesman,
Government jobs,
Community work,
Benefits,
Job opportunities,
Career prospects,
That this will suit me...
Yet, I managed to talk my way into a video class.... Among artists....
Since my major wasn't art,
Other artists had disdain for me,
Or snideness...
Among academics,
And other philosophers,
Since I was an artist,
And had an art degree,
I was viewed as:
Insane,
Crazy,
Stupid,
Something wrong with me...
A cause to look down upon me for....
(Did you know that Hellenistic Greeks & Philosophers viewed art AS SCIENCE?)
Each day I commute to school,
Each day the sadness wells up inside me,
I feel the sadness,
I feel the pain.
How can I NOT be an artist?
I AM AN ARTIST.
The thoughts are frightening,
What is THE POINT of my life?
What is my purpose?
I CANNOT be a philosopher WITHOUT MY ART.
I CANNOT be a philosopher at THE EXPENSE OF MY ART.
I CANNOT FIGHT MY HEART.
IT CANNOT BE KEPT INSIDE.
The thoughts are frightening,
The pain is real.
I sit in the courtyard,
Fellow students pass,
They are significantly younger than I,
So many persons!
Yet, among SO MANY individuals,
I feel MORE ALONE,
And more lonely,
Than I do by myself at home.
I cannot sleep,
I cannot eat.
I feel discontentment.
Should I hate the world,
Or myself for not fitting it?
In death, perhaps, I will feel nothing. The thoughts are frightening.
Pressure,
Obligation,
Responsibility.
My daughter constantly close to death, EVERY WEEK!
Do better!
Be better!
Get better!
Work harder!
I can't keep up!
I'm not 19 anymore!
I'm 37!
Is this why people self harm?
Is this why my mother often attempted suicide?
Pressure.
Pressure.
PRESSURE!
There's something wrong with my SPINE!
My health insurance won't pay for anymore chiropractic visits!
I have to go to Physical Therapy,
But, I can't fit in the time because my commute is TOO LONG!
Pressure!
They don't know what's wrong with her!
She needs a blood transfusion!
Pressure!
I can't do this anymore!
I could do better!
I AM BETTER!
But, I don't have the time to do the level of quality I need!
I DON'T WANT TO FAIL!
PRESSURE!
I WANT TO DIE!
I cannot remove my art from me, Art is the color of my heart! Trying to REMOVE the Art from me, Is like destroying a BEAUTIFUL SHOE! Trying to strip the Art from me, Is like stripping off the SOLE, And as it's pulled from it, I feel my SOUL being ripped & shredded! Trying to strip the Art from me, Is like removing the beautiful HEEL, And as it's plucked off from it, I feel I cannot HEAL! Oh, such a waste!
But, it CANNOT BE DONE!
To loose my Art is to loose MYSELF! Without it, Who am I?
I would be NOT ME.
I value my sanity,
I value my soul,
I value peace of mind,
I value a feeling of well being.
So, I decided to drop out....
No, it was decided for me...
By my spouse...
Yet, on a strange twist,
I kept my video class,
ONLY THAT CLASS, My teacher suggested I switch my major, TO ART.
I instantly felt better!
I could SLEEP!
Altho' I felt sad about not being physically, and mentally, able to continue philosophy,
I still love philosophy.
I have NOT EVER discontinued my own interests in philosophy.
I engage in philosophy virtually every day.
I have found I prefer to go about it on my own time,
With my own limits,
No pressures,
At my own pace.
I shall NEVER discontinue philosophy.
But, my motive for doing philosophy,
Much like yoga,
Is for THE DOING OF THE THING,
And NOT for the GRADES, pedigrees,
Nor the leveling up of meritocracies.
The semblance of Meritocracy can often lead to Mediocrity.
Socrates had no papers, books, classrooms.
He wore an old cloak,
Learned from fools & laymen,
He learned almost nothing from the establishment after a while.
I do not have beef with my instructors,
I was rather fond of them.
I am content to remain an Artist.
I was always an artist.
I was born an artist.
I live as an artist.
I will die an artist.
All human beings die,
But, do all human beings truly live?
There is no reason why philosophy should have no place in my life.
It always did.
Philosophy was my savior MANY TIMES OVER. But, this time, Art was my deliverance!
Scroll down to watch the film: Smattering Thoughts Also Flow
There's a number of things I actually DID NOT get to do with this film, animation wise, that i would have lived and wanted VERY BADLY.
I COULD NOT find ANYONE to actually help me with the new version of Adobe After Effects to get the 3D animation stuff done for animating a simple butterfly. NOT A SINGLE PERSON would help me, nor did they understand the NEW version of After Effects.
I actually composed this whole ambient song JUST for a specific part of my film:
I also shot a LOT of footage to go with it which I wanted to incorporate the 3D animation of butterfly with. there was LOTS of symbolism happening.
But, there was at least 15 individuals that would NOT answer my messages because they had some petty beef with me for being registered Green Party (AKA "Green Rainbow Party" in MA) and NOT voting for HRC on informed principle, or they mistook my messages to mean something else politics related when I was asking about programing coding for the video program. virtually EVERT allegedly teacher or guru on YouTube that published tutorials online claiming to answer any and all questions about After Effects would NOT REPLY to me on YouTube and Twitter. NOT A SINGLE REPLY since October. 1 of my good friends from WAY back, to this day, still has NOT even opened my FB message since I sent it in November. That NEVER HAPPENS if u knew who I was talking about, who's like The Godfather of tech help especially all things animation and graphics. OUCH!
Murphy's Law is a SERIOUSLY REAL THING. So I DID have a number of set-backs with producing my film.
My stress level was THROUGH THE ROOF trying to get it done.
A photo posted by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
I can't even tell you HOW MUCH TIME I LOST due to persons' own private pet political baggage. I really felt that I deserved a lot more time to work on my final which I DID NOT RECEIVE. There were TOO MANY setbacks, no-shows, people being late or not showing up, computer problems were a MAJOR PROBLEM. Things would work, then NOT WORK. this often happened due to Adobe updates. It was THE WORST. But, other times, videos would render out fine, then stop working.
There's also QUITE A BIT OF ARTWORK that DID NOT make it into the film... I had to cut so much stuff out, and re-cut and re-edit stuff. A major reason I couldn't include this artwork was due to the lack of knowledge and help with Adobe After Effects.
I also had a an entire video shoot, that I booked, that was completely fucked up because my kid kept also dying every week of blood issues. EVERY FRIGGIN' WEEK! at least TWICE a week since September. And, LITERALLY as soon as finals were DONE she was FINE. WTF!?
A photo posted by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
Anyways, the film has quite a lot of Taoism in it, and philosophy. It's an art film.
There's a lot of puns & word play on Chinese words either by the way the sound, or the way they are written. Etymology stuff. This sort of thing is very common with Taoists, philosophers, zen practicing persons, and sometimes Confucianism. An entire video shoot done in the shooting room had to be completely scrapped, and the calligraphy part was re-shot so many times, on different days and locations that I lost count. Much of the Chinese Etymology won;t make sense if you're not bilingual in English & Chinese. Altho' I felt adding subtitles IMMENSELY detracted from the performance of the calligraphy story, I HAD TO INCLUDE the subtitles because it otherwise would NOT make any sense to an English speaking person with no knowledge of Chinese.
There's so much actual information IN THAT part that will MOSTLY be over the heads of MOST people whom have not studied philosophy, Taoism, Zen, or are at least unfamiliar with figures like Bruce Lee, or Alan Watts. It's literally about 5 years of thorough self study into these toppics at home, and I've barely scratched the surface.
I actually enrolled at UMASS Boston majoring in Philosophy, and I almost TOTALLY dropped out for medical reasons, including physical injuries, pain, and stress related problems. But, I stayed enrolled to finish my Video class, and my instructor actually encouraged me to stay in school, switch my major back to art, and also invited me personally to attend a brand new class he made which included animation. I am also going to work on an animation project for him and the school next semester.
Here's the film:
There are SO MANY layers of meaning and meanings in this film.
"Flow" is a big symbolism for me, and also in Taoism. It mentions the flow of Fire, Air, Water, Earth (elements). I believe that MOST people ONLY exclusively think of WATER regarding flow, and SOMETIMES air. AIR is a BIG ONE for me. The BLACK FEATHERS FALSE EYELASHES are especially meaningful for me. They not only represent AIR, but they are also BLACK which is YIN (From the Toaist concept of Yin-Yang). Yin is the feminine symbol generally. the way you KNOW THIS is that it had THE WHITE DOT or "Moon" on it. Moon is a feminine symbol. The WHITE side is the YANG or generally Male side with the BLACK DOT on it.
But, usually when you go on Deviant Art they get it COMPLETELY backwards in Western art and depict the White side as female.
Don't feel bad if you didn't know this because I also didn't even learn this until about 2004-ish.
Batting the eyelashes also represents the fanning of air, or the movement of AIR, hence air flow.
My Fursona is the Black UniGryphon, which is also a shape-shifter. Shape-shifting is also called "morphing" or "meta morphing" which involves changing from 1 form or shape into another, like a butterfly.
There is a Christina Aguilera video called "Fighter" in which she uses this kind of symbolism to change, transform, etc. including butterflies/silk-worm moths, feather eyelashes, and black to white cycling transition as character motif. It also incorporates a dance motif. The lyrics of the song also tell about overcoming hardships, and especially overcoming a psychopath abuser, or perhaps the cruelty of the world.
The cellphone bit part was actually an homage to 1 of my dance teachers who's band created an INCREDIBLE music video which was paid for by crowd funding of the fans. I wanted mine to be more awkward with the long extended pauses, but I had to cut it down a lot. The song/video is called "Revival" which is full of all kinds of beautiful art, symbolisms galore, and the doll/puppet dancer is my dance teacher, Zoe.
I actually made a number of butterflies, but I could ONLY USE 2 of them for the film.
Each butterfly was hand made using markers in my sketchbook. The actual sketchbook I used was a throw away sketchbook from drawing classes at UMASS Boston when The Art Department was seen by students as a way of getting credits and NOT taken seriously, which greatly offended the Art Faculty Teachers. They all revolted in around 2015-2016 and forced the changes for art classes being for serious Art Majors only, and creating Workshops for art for anyone else. Since there was a number of stacks of sketchbooks strewn throughout the Art department in various drawing classrooms, and they were about to be dumped, my spouse was tipped off by some art teachers to take his fill of as many as he wanted. So, during the summer, I made a trip there myself, and filled my backpack with discarded sketchbooks which were FULL of blank pages. Many of the sketchbooks were of high quality EXPENSIVE paper. I needed sketchbooks to practice my Croquis gesture life drawings. But, since many of the books were of such high quality paper I saved some for my own personal use.
I don;t always like using inks for drawing. But, i do enjoy using professional graphic art markers. I'd contemplated dropping out of UMASS in October and almost completely did. But, I'd decided to participate in #Inktober for the first time ever in hopes of using the artwork to experiment with at UMASS for my video class. I's originally created the Forbearance/Endurance Butterfly which has Chinese calligraphy in it. This character comes from Confucianism which usually is NOT my favorite. I prefer Taoism ideology by Laozi (Lao Tsu). However, I DO like this concept, and it's popular with Japanese Zen people.
The 2nd Butterfly is Task/Duty and they are both called "Ren". "Ren" is my Chinese surname in my Ming Zi.
This is also hand made with vintage professional graphic art markers from 1999.
"Ren" sounding words became a huge theme in the project, but i also noticed several similarities in how the words were written.
Anyways, It would've been different had I been able to do the 3D animation bit. But, oh well! I had a whole lantern video set that was perfect for it! But, whatever!
Why the ripple?
Well, several reasons. Is does fit well WITH the whole Taoism and FLOW. In Western thought "Air" symbolizes "thoughts, ideas, the mind, etc." and "Water" represents "emotions & feelings". But, in Chinese Water can actually mean an number of things, and especially money. Why? I have no idea. But, in Chinese "Air" can mean anything from nothingness, emptiness, energy, qi, a number of other meanings I don't even know. At the bottom of the character for endurance/Forbearance is the character for "heart" (which also has other meanings, including referring to the mind in old Chinese) and Traditional Chinese medicine uses the art of checking the pulse of the patient. At the top of the character is the symbol for blade which is different from the character for knife because blade refers to part of the tool which cuts.
I could go on and on about these symbolisms. But, the reason I chose to experiment with RIPPLES on BUTTERFLIES is a VERY specific one.
In 2001 I went to a concert in Atlantic City at, believe it or not, THE TRUMP TAJ MAHAL. Not even making it up! The concert was of Kelly Chen, whom was a favorite of mine at the time.
During this show, there was this incredible video art of butterflies using Adobe After Effects ripples, and I'd always wanted to create my own version. It just looks really weird! I didn't ant the butterflies to look like real actual butterflies, which was WHY I used markers. I wanted them to LOOK LIKE ART. The ironic thing was that no matter how stylized I made them look, a number people thought they were REAL butterflies when I was working on it!
I got SO many compliments on the butterfly animations I made.
When I was doing the arrangement for the ambient song, I was originally planning on making it be a 303 Acid song. FOR REAL. But, when I took out the beats, and slowed the tempo, and just ended up with the ambient sound it worked a lot better, and despite my stubborn ego, I threw out the techno and went full ambient.
It would've ended up more along these lines, only different:
You can hear how it sounds kind of like water ripples, or a flowing river, or brook.... Very 1980s-1990s vibe...
I programmed and modulated the music myself.
But, scrapped it for my butterfly animation. There's some 303 Acid at the end tho'.
As for my motivation for the actual FLOW of the ambient composition, I have a few. I wanted something eerie and weird, sort of like X-FILES, but I'd lost all of my old stock audio this year due to a malware virus. So, i fell back onto some old stuff that i knew worked, to save time trying to experiment too much n force stuff to work. Time wasn't something I had a lot of, especially if ur kid keeps almost bleeding to death.
So, I went with sonar and heartbeats.
It's 1 of those things I find always works. It's not anything new, and I've seen it done over & over. But, if you want some of my favorite examples, then strait from the 1990s here they are:
BTW, the English versions DO NOT mean the same things in the lyrics as the original German.
And, since we're already on the topic, of all things inter connecting... since I already had a Trump connection in here, weirdly... let's double down and go with more Butterflies connected to this, since we're on a weird etymology, and word plays:
About 50 seconds into the video after she's talking about butterfly motifs " ein Schmetterling" she starts the song.
As for the Philosophical reference to Heraclitus, it was a kind of Zen joke of sorts, since if you've ever attended zen gatherings in person in which u do nothing but sit and breathe, before hand they/we often blabber on about DEATH in words that seem rather morbid, but are actually almost like a joke, and much of zen end up becoming a jokes, nonsense on purpose, and abstract things. I have no way to explain any of this, because it's not explainable. Heraclitus was the pre-socratic philosopher whom came up with the first version of Monism and the line about "You can't step into the same river twice". There are so many things which Heraclitus came up with, philosophically, that is so many ways it sounds almost exactly like what Laozi described in the Dao De Jing (Tao Te Ching) book about Taoism. Only, the weird thing was Heraclitus concluded that everything was made of FIRE! XD Oh, man, that's SOOOOOO ZEN!
Monism was the ancient Greek version of what Eastern thought often refers to as "Oneness".
"Mono" = "One" + "ism"
So, you could also called it One-ism! LOL!
It somewhat reminds me of a theory about electrons, which "pop in and out of existence". the theory goes that ALL electrons are ACTUALLY the exact SAME electron simultaneously, and the seeming appearance of "popping in and out of existence" while in motion, is actually it existing everywhere in space simultaneously, but we only perceive it as popping in and out of existence in other places, because space doesn't actually exist, and it's the same actual electron. This kinda makes me rethink the concept of electricity (also a flow) which is a current (a flow term) in which electrons move through a conductor.
Some of his ideas were wacky n weird, n way out there! But, very fascinating.
Anyways, if you don't know my Monad Migraine story, let's just forget about it. it's a long story.
But, in my several year search for nailing down the truth, and the origins of THE MONAD I finally found it, after years of searching in Heraclitus. Ironically, it reminds me a lot of electrons in an atomic structure. I'm not really an expert in Heraclitus nor Monism, so, don;t take my words too seriously.
