I just found out this morning that I'm on the UMASS Dean's List. Meanwhile they cannot decide of they want to give me Financial Aid.... oh, and my GPA is 3.775....
I can;t drop out yet, and I'm in limbo, so I can't even take another job because IF I get Financial Aid I will get punished for having a job... but, IF I do take a job it MUST be HIGH PAYING ENOUGH to insensitivity me to drop out. So, I cannot get a job UNLESS it's a Federal Wrokstudy, which I CANNOT even start yet, even tho' I could last year BECAUSE they took away my Financial Aid... only sort-of... hence why I'm in Limbo...
So, it CAN be fixed... but I couldn't go to the meetings, which must be scheduled because my car got totaled, and my Spouse was in Japan due to a major scholarship grant he got at UMASS, which I helped him to get. So, now that ALL of the July slot are filled up for these meetings at UMASS, I can't go and remedy this Limbo issue until I go to the meeting, and I can't even go until August. There was actually 1 other thing to remedy, but I cannot even do THAT until they tell me what to write AT THE MEETING. *loooooong reluctant sigh*
I did actually create a Portfolio for a specific studio in Burbank California and they also have a studio in Hollywood. I worked on THAT portfolio for over a week last month, and even redid it at least 6 times. usually whenever you send a out a portfolio to a studio or production house they always send you a courtesy email acknowledging that they got your portfolio. I actually never got one. I found that to be odd, and unusual, and it was half a month ago. perhaps that's a "No"? I have no idea. I also did some other work for a friend of mine in Burbank (nondisclosure) which I was SO happy & grateful to get! For privacy reasons I will not divulge any of these details.
I've done a lot of animation stuff in June, but also my daughter did as well. I just posted an update to my own film project HERE. <--- i="">Lots of details in this post.
I'd been so strapped for time this entire semester, so I pretty much didn't blog. I was also working on an independent film with my friend whom is a television producer IRL. But, by Finals time, I couldn't work on it. I was already operating AT MY LIMIT the entire semester. But, this causes me to crash n burn because there's ONLY SO MUCH TIME IN A DAY, commuting cuts out of my productivity, PLUS I also needed to go to my work study job.
AND edit my spouse's English homework, PLUS almost every other day, and sometimes every day, I had to help him write, re-write, and edit his proposal for a giant scholarship that they gave him such a hard time, and the run-around over. I refused to write it FOR HIM. because that's unethical. But, towards the end, both of us were so fed-up with doing that and he openly said he no longer wanted to pursue it out of a deep seeded pessimism of trying for 4 years, he was told to keep doing it. Eventually, I was so fed up with working on that which distracted me from my own work, that I actually re-wrote whole sections of his proposal, especially the final draft. I was SO ANNOYED with him NOT listening to what I told him about grammar, punctuation, and capitalization and still doing the same WRONG things over & over, that when I was told that he was being urged to increase the funding amount significantly higher, I just went ham on it after reading the notes he was given from his feedback. Needless to say, he did get the huge scholarship, AND he's going to Japan on June 6th. And, no I'm NOT going with him 9because I'm often asked if I am)
Anyways, when finals time hit, I couldn't work on the film because I needed every moment I could get. I also helped my video classmates as well, because there was no one around to help them.
This was an animated GIF assignment using Photoshop. You were supposed to use "appropriation". I did, but I didn't. Honestly, I don;t care to steal other people's works, but I did technically "appropriate" an existing visual which was the symbolic representation of Liberty and Justice.
Anyways, this was hours and hours of work. I made everything from scratch BY HAND using my WACOM and referencing thousands of images online. In the "net art" spirit of "appropriation", since that's the vibe here, I actually licensed ALL of these graphics to the CREATIVE COMMONS so IF you would LIKE to use these images, so long as it's NOT COMMERCIAL, and NOT FOR PROFIT, you can use them all, TOTALLY 100% FREE.
Since, literally, THE very first day of the semester I got SLAMMED with a spur of the moment project with an ABRUPT DEADLINE, and a TON of pressure to preform. The BIG thing was a competition for Art On The Marquee which is this MASSIVE, HUGE, building made of gigantic screens.
I had to come up with a proposal, demonstrate it, and I was so scared of failing, and especially scared that my original idea wouldn't go over very well... that it might be TOO WILD & WHIMSICAL, that I came up with a 2nd idea... which I was also forced to keep, and also submit.
The whole ordeal was nerve wracking, and THE MOST intimidating thing I'd EVER had to do. If he hadn't made us do it mandatory, I'd never have tried, because it's SO massive & scary. I had to REALLY reach & dig down DEEP into my past experiences and see what I could come up with. He was very hard on me, and wouldn't accept anything less than whatever he believed was better. I even contacted the curator, and he helped me.
This project has NEVER been done at our university, and this class I was especially invited to be in by the instructor. Not only was my best & favorite project chosen, but 2 other students (all girls) from our class.
I have been SO BUSY, that I had almost no time to do anything accept watch a few films with my daughter on the weekends.
But, despite how busy I have been (and I've only NOW gotten a bit of a break) I'm actually VERY happy with my life. I've been networking, building relationships, and I feel valued. I have not been happy in my life, at all, in years... I don't even know when the last time I was actually happy.
A post shared by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
I got free tickets to BOSTON WINE RIOT 2016 because I'm YELP ELITE but Mr. Wang refused to go. SO, I asked my friend, and he was like: YES.
Then, he was like: Hey, come work on my film.
So, I was like: OK!
The film is called "The Holy Maple Tree" and it's a lot of fun!
We JUST started filming last Sunday, and we will film every Sunday. The first scene we films if the 90's party scene(s). I actually brought a lot of my own stuff, makeup, lighting, props, etc.
A post shared by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
I wouldn't have done ANY of these things if it hadn't been for my instructor at UMASS Boston. I really did NOT have the confidence to do anything anymore, until he pushed me. And he pushes me a lot. He totally changed my life. I'm very grateful, and very lucky.
I also have a contract with a company to do a jewelry photo shoot soon. The necklace finally arrived! But, i need to get a model soon!
In the new year of 2016,
It was decided FOR ME,
That I attend University,
And further my education....
And, whom decided this for me?
No, 'twas not I,
'Twas my spouse...
So many years had I spent,
At my desk, with my computer,
Or smartphone in hand,
Researching, contemplating, learning...
Philosophy had become a major part of my life,
More so than previously ever!
Yet, as this new year began,
Due to my philosophy,
I'd become more filled with a desire to return to my Art anew...
You must enroll as a Philosophy major,
Said my spouse.
You may NOT ARGUE.
That is FINAL.
Yet, my spouse was enrolled for the past several years as what?
A Fine Art Major?
I love philosophy.
I cannot live without Philosophy.
I live philosophy!
My life is Philosophy!
Yet, ART is the color of my heart!
As the months tick by,
The desire to create, and do my art,
Began to pour from me,
Fighting it causes me PAIN.
When I am in the room,
I feel pain.
I leave the room,
But I still feel pain.
I go outside,
Pain is still there.
Pain is there because I am there!
I cannot escape myself!
I leave the room,
But I am still with me,
I go into another room,
But I am still with myself,
I cannot escape myself!
Every day, once classes began,
Was pain,
The commute is pain,
My back is pain,
My legs are pain,
My mind is pain,
My mind is stress,
Why am I here?
If I am not here for me,
Then who am I here for?
My spouse?
Does this compute?
It's determined for me, by many,
That a Degree in Philosophy will polish me as a Statesman,
Government jobs,
Community work,
Benefits,
Job opportunities,
Career prospects,
That this will suit me...
Yet, I managed to talk my way into a video class.... Among artists....
Since my major wasn't art,
Other artists had disdain for me,
Or snideness...
Among academics,
And other philosophers,
Since I was an artist,
And had an art degree,
I was viewed as:
Insane,
Crazy,
Stupid,
Something wrong with me...
A cause to look down upon me for....
(Did you know that Hellenistic Greeks & Philosophers viewed art AS SCIENCE?)
Each day I commute to school,
Each day the sadness wells up inside me,
I feel the sadness,
I feel the pain.
How can I NOT be an artist?
I AM AN ARTIST.
The thoughts are frightening,
What is THE POINT of my life?
What is my purpose?
I CANNOT be a philosopher WITHOUT MY ART.
I CANNOT be a philosopher at THE EXPENSE OF MY ART.
I CANNOT FIGHT MY HEART.
IT CANNOT BE KEPT INSIDE.
The thoughts are frightening,
The pain is real.
I sit in the courtyard,
Fellow students pass,
They are significantly younger than I,
So many persons!
Yet, among SO MANY individuals,
I feel MORE ALONE,
And more lonely,
Than I do by myself at home.
I cannot sleep,
I cannot eat.
I feel discontentment.
Should I hate the world,
Or myself for not fitting it?
In death, perhaps, I will feel nothing. The thoughts are frightening.
Pressure,
Obligation,
Responsibility.
My daughter constantly close to death, EVERY WEEK!
Do better!
Be better!
Get better!
Work harder!
I can't keep up!
I'm not 19 anymore!
I'm 37!
Is this why people self harm?
Is this why my mother often attempted suicide?
Pressure.
Pressure.
PRESSURE!
There's something wrong with my SPINE!
My health insurance won't pay for anymore chiropractic visits!
I have to go to Physical Therapy,
But, I can't fit in the time because my commute is TOO LONG!
Pressure!
They don't know what's wrong with her!
She needs a blood transfusion!
Pressure!
I can't do this anymore!
I could do better!
I AM BETTER!
But, I don't have the time to do the level of quality I need!
I DON'T WANT TO FAIL!
PRESSURE!
I WANT TO DIE!
I cannot remove my art from me, Art is the color of my heart! Trying to REMOVE the Art from me, Is like destroying a BEAUTIFUL SHOE! Trying to strip the Art from me, Is like stripping off the SOLE, And as it's pulled from it, I feel my SOUL being ripped & shredded! Trying to strip the Art from me, Is like removing the beautiful HEEL, And as it's plucked off from it, I feel I cannot HEAL! Oh, such a waste!
But, it CANNOT BE DONE!
To loose my Art is to loose MYSELF! Without it, Who am I?
I would be NOT ME.
I value my sanity,
I value my soul,
I value peace of mind,
I value a feeling of well being.
So, I decided to drop out....
No, it was decided for me...
By my spouse...
Yet, on a strange twist,
I kept my video class,
ONLY THAT CLASS, My teacher suggested I switch my major, TO ART.
I instantly felt better!
I could SLEEP!
Altho' I felt sad about not being physically, and mentally, able to continue philosophy,
I still love philosophy.
I have NOT EVER discontinued my own interests in philosophy.
I engage in philosophy virtually every day.
I have found I prefer to go about it on my own time,
With my own limits,
No pressures,
At my own pace.
I shall NEVER discontinue philosophy.
But, my motive for doing philosophy,
Much like yoga,
Is for THE DOING OF THE THING,
And NOT for the GRADES, pedigrees,
Nor the leveling up of meritocracies.
The semblance of Meritocracy can often lead to Mediocrity.
Socrates had no papers, books, classrooms.
He wore an old cloak,
Learned from fools & laymen,
He learned almost nothing from the establishment after a while.
I do not have beef with my instructors,
I was rather fond of them.
I am content to remain an Artist.
I was always an artist.
I was born an artist.
I live as an artist.
I will die an artist.
All human beings die,
But, do all human beings truly live?
There is no reason why philosophy should have no place in my life.
It always did.
Philosophy was my savior MANY TIMES OVER. But, this time, Art was my deliverance!
Scroll down to watch the film: Smattering Thoughts Also Flow
There's a number of things I actually DID NOT get to do with this film, animation wise, that i would have lived and wanted VERY BADLY.
I COULD NOT find ANYONE to actually help me with the new version of Adobe After Effects to get the 3D animation stuff done for animating a simple butterfly. NOT A SINGLE PERSON would help me, nor did they understand the NEW version of After Effects.
I actually composed this whole ambient song JUST for a specific part of my film:
I also shot a LOT of footage to go with it which I wanted to incorporate the 3D animation of butterfly with. there was LOTS of symbolism happening.
But, there was at least 15 individuals that would NOT answer my messages because they had some petty beef with me for being registered Green Party (AKA "Green Rainbow Party" in MA) and NOT voting for HRC on informed principle, or they mistook my messages to mean something else politics related when I was asking about programing coding for the video program. virtually EVERT allegedly teacher or guru on YouTube that published tutorials online claiming to answer any and all questions about After Effects would NOT REPLY to me on YouTube and Twitter. NOT A SINGLE REPLY since October. 1 of my good friends from WAY back, to this day, still has NOT even opened my FB message since I sent it in November. That NEVER HAPPENS if u knew who I was talking about, who's like The Godfather of tech help especially all things animation and graphics. OUCH!
Murphy's Law is a SERIOUSLY REAL THING. So I DID have a number of set-backs with producing my film.
My stress level was THROUGH THE ROOF trying to get it done.
A photo posted by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
I can't even tell you HOW MUCH TIME I LOST due to persons' own private pet political baggage. I really felt that I deserved a lot more time to work on my final which I DID NOT RECEIVE. There were TOO MANY setbacks, no-shows, people being late or not showing up, computer problems were a MAJOR PROBLEM. Things would work, then NOT WORK. this often happened due to Adobe updates. It was THE WORST. But, other times, videos would render out fine, then stop working.
There's also QUITE A BIT OF ARTWORK that DID NOT make it into the film... I had to cut so much stuff out, and re-cut and re-edit stuff. A major reason I couldn't include this artwork was due to the lack of knowledge and help with Adobe After Effects.
I also had a an entire video shoot, that I booked, that was completely fucked up because my kid kept also dying every week of blood issues. EVERY FRIGGIN' WEEK! at least TWICE a week since September. And, LITERALLY as soon as finals were DONE she was FINE. WTF!?
A photo posted by Kandice Kathleen Zimbleman 任思麒 (@blackunigryphon) on
Anyways, the film has quite a lot of Taoism in it, and philosophy. It's an art film.
There's a lot of puns & word play on Chinese words either by the way the sound, or the way they are written. Etymology stuff. This sort of thing is very common with Taoists, philosophers, zen practicing persons, and sometimes Confucianism. An entire video shoot done in the shooting room had to be completely scrapped, and the calligraphy part was re-shot so many times, on different days and locations that I lost count. Much of the Chinese Etymology won;t make sense if you're not bilingual in English & Chinese. Altho' I felt adding subtitles IMMENSELY detracted from the performance of the calligraphy story, I HAD TO INCLUDE the subtitles because it otherwise would NOT make any sense to an English speaking person with no knowledge of Chinese.
There's so much actual information IN THAT part that will MOSTLY be over the heads of MOST people whom have not studied philosophy, Taoism, Zen, or are at least unfamiliar with figures like Bruce Lee, or Alan Watts. It's literally about 5 years of thorough self study into these toppics at home, and I've barely scratched the surface.
I actually enrolled at UMASS Boston majoring in Philosophy, and I almost TOTALLY dropped out for medical reasons, including physical injuries, pain, and stress related problems. But, I stayed enrolled to finish my Video class, and my instructor actually encouraged me to stay in school, switch my major back to art, and also invited me personally to attend a brand new class he made which included animation. I am also going to work on an animation project for him and the school next semester.
Here's the film:
There are SO MANY layers of meaning and meanings in this film.
"Flow" is a big symbolism for me, and also in Taoism. It mentions the flow of Fire, Air, Water, Earth (elements). I believe that MOST people ONLY exclusively think of WATER regarding flow, and SOMETIMES air. AIR is a BIG ONE for me. The BLACK FEATHERS FALSE EYELASHES are especially meaningful for me. They not only represent AIR, but they are also BLACK which is YIN (From the Toaist concept of Yin-Yang). Yin is the feminine symbol generally. the way you KNOW THIS is that it had THE WHITE DOT or "Moon" on it. Moon is a feminine symbol. The WHITE side is the YANG or generally Male side with the BLACK DOT on it.
But, usually when you go on Deviant Art they get it COMPLETELY backwards in Western art and depict the White side as female.
Don't feel bad if you didn't know this because I also didn't even learn this until about 2004-ish.
Batting the eyelashes also represents the fanning of air, or the movement of AIR, hence air flow.
My Fursona is the Black UniGryphon, which is also a shape-shifter. Shape-shifting is also called "morphing" or "meta morphing" which involves changing from 1 form or shape into another, like a butterfly.
There is a Christina Aguilera video called "Fighter" in which she uses this kind of symbolism to change, transform, etc. including butterflies/silk-worm moths, feather eyelashes, and black to white cycling transition as character motif. It also incorporates a dance motif. The lyrics of the song also tell about overcoming hardships, and especially overcoming a psychopath abuser, or perhaps the cruelty of the world.
The cellphone bit part was actually an homage to 1 of my dance teachers who's band created an INCREDIBLE music video which was paid for by crowd funding of the fans. I wanted mine to be more awkward with the long extended pauses, but I had to cut it down a lot. The song/video is called "Revival" which is full of all kinds of beautiful art, symbolisms galore, and the doll/puppet dancer is my dance teacher, Zoe.
I actually made a number of butterflies, but I could ONLY USE 2 of them for the film.
Each butterfly was hand made using markers in my sketchbook. The actual sketchbook I used was a throw away sketchbook from drawing classes at UMASS Boston when The Art Department was seen by students as a way of getting credits and NOT taken seriously, which greatly offended the Art Faculty Teachers. They all revolted in around 2015-2016 and forced the changes for art classes being for serious Art Majors only, and creating Workshops for art for anyone else. Since there was a number of stacks of sketchbooks strewn throughout the Art department in various drawing classrooms, and they were about to be dumped, my spouse was tipped off by some art teachers to take his fill of as many as he wanted. So, during the summer, I made a trip there myself, and filled my backpack with discarded sketchbooks which were FULL of blank pages. Many of the sketchbooks were of high quality EXPENSIVE paper. I needed sketchbooks to practice my Croquis gesture life drawings. But, since many of the books were of such high quality paper I saved some for my own personal use.
I don;t always like using inks for drawing. But, i do enjoy using professional graphic art markers. I'd contemplated dropping out of UMASS in October and almost completely did. But, I'd decided to participate in #Inktober for the first time ever in hopes of using the artwork to experiment with at UMASS for my video class. I's originally created the Forbearance/Endurance Butterfly which has Chinese calligraphy in it. This character comes from Confucianism which usually is NOT my favorite. I prefer Taoism ideology by Laozi (Lao Tsu). However, I DO like this concept, and it's popular with Japanese Zen people.
The 2nd Butterfly is Task/Duty and they are both called "Ren". "Ren" is my Chinese surname in my Ming Zi.
This is also hand made with vintage professional graphic art markers from 1999.
"Ren" sounding words became a huge theme in the project, but i also noticed several similarities in how the words were written.
Anyways, It would've been different had I been able to do the 3D animation bit. But, oh well! I had a whole lantern video set that was perfect for it! But, whatever!
Why the ripple?
Well, several reasons. Is does fit well WITH the whole Taoism and FLOW. In Western thought "Air" symbolizes "thoughts, ideas, the mind, etc." and "Water" represents "emotions & feelings". But, in Chinese Water can actually mean an number of things, and especially money. Why? I have no idea. But, in Chinese "Air" can mean anything from nothingness, emptiness, energy, qi, a number of other meanings I don't even know. At the bottom of the character for endurance/Forbearance is the character for "heart" (which also has other meanings, including referring to the mind in old Chinese) and Traditional Chinese medicine uses the art of checking the pulse of the patient. At the top of the character is the symbol for blade which is different from the character for knife because blade refers to part of the tool which cuts.
I could go on and on about these symbolisms. But, the reason I chose to experiment with RIPPLES on BUTTERFLIES is a VERY specific one.
In 2001 I went to a concert in Atlantic City at, believe it or not, THE TRUMP TAJ MAHAL. Not even making it up! The concert was of Kelly Chen, whom was a favorite of mine at the time.
During this show, there was this incredible video art of butterflies using Adobe After Effects ripples, and I'd always wanted to create my own version. It just looks really weird! I didn't ant the butterflies to look like real actual butterflies, which was WHY I used markers. I wanted them to LOOK LIKE ART. The ironic thing was that no matter how stylized I made them look, a number people thought they were REAL butterflies when I was working on it!
I got SO many compliments on the butterfly animations I made.
When I was doing the arrangement for the ambient song, I was originally planning on making it be a 303 Acid song. FOR REAL. But, when I took out the beats, and slowed the tempo, and just ended up with the ambient sound it worked a lot better, and despite my stubborn ego, I threw out the techno and went full ambient.
It would've ended up more along these lines, only different:
You can hear how it sounds kind of like water ripples, or a flowing river, or brook.... Very 1980s-1990s vibe...
I programmed and modulated the music myself.
But, scrapped it for my butterfly animation. There's some 303 Acid at the end tho'.
As for my motivation for the actual FLOW of the ambient composition, I have a few. I wanted something eerie and weird, sort of like X-FILES, but I'd lost all of my old stock audio this year due to a malware virus. So, i fell back onto some old stuff that i knew worked, to save time trying to experiment too much n force stuff to work. Time wasn't something I had a lot of, especially if ur kid keeps almost bleeding to death.
So, I went with sonar and heartbeats.
It's 1 of those things I find always works. It's not anything new, and I've seen it done over & over. But, if you want some of my favorite examples, then strait from the 1990s here they are:
BTW, the English versions DO NOT mean the same things in the lyrics as the original German.
And, since we're already on the topic, of all things inter connecting... since I already had a Trump connection in here, weirdly... let's double down and go with more Butterflies connected to this, since we're on a weird etymology, and word plays:
About 50 seconds into the video after she's talking about butterfly motifs " ein Schmetterling" she starts the song.
As for the Philosophical reference to Heraclitus, it was a kind of Zen joke of sorts, since if you've ever attended zen gatherings in person in which u do nothing but sit and breathe, before hand they/we often blabber on about DEATH in words that seem rather morbid, but are actually almost like a joke, and much of zen end up becoming a jokes, nonsense on purpose, and abstract things. I have no way to explain any of this, because it's not explainable. Heraclitus was the pre-socratic philosopher whom came up with the first version of Monism and the line about "You can't step into the same river twice". There are so many things which Heraclitus came up with, philosophically, that is so many ways it sounds almost exactly like what Laozi described in the Dao De Jing (Tao Te Ching) book about Taoism. Only, the weird thing was Heraclitus concluded that everything was made of FIRE! XD Oh, man, that's SOOOOOO ZEN!
Monism was the ancient Greek version of what Eastern thought often refers to as "Oneness".
"Mono" = "One" + "ism"
So, you could also called it One-ism! LOL!
It somewhat reminds me of a theory about electrons, which "pop in and out of existence". the theory goes that ALL electrons are ACTUALLY the exact SAME electron simultaneously, and the seeming appearance of "popping in and out of existence" while in motion, is actually it existing everywhere in space simultaneously, but we only perceive it as popping in and out of existence in other places, because space doesn't actually exist, and it's the same actual electron. This kinda makes me rethink the concept of electricity (also a flow) which is a current (a flow term) in which electrons move through a conductor.
Some of his ideas were wacky n weird, n way out there! But, very fascinating.
Anyways, if you don't know my Monad Migraine story, let's just forget about it. it's a long story.
But, in my several year search for nailing down the truth, and the origins of THE MONAD I finally found it, after years of searching in Heraclitus. Ironically, it reminds me a lot of electrons in an atomic structure. I'm not really an expert in Heraclitus nor Monism, so, don;t take my words too seriously.
I've been working on my report for my Video workshop class at UMASS Boston. I can't believe we have a report this massive for a worskshop, but we do.
I'm honestly really exhausted and I've been typing most of the day, plus I had to proofread & edit Mr. Wang's homework because his English isn't very good. He is supposed to graduate next semester in the Spring.
It's supposed to be a film review that contains a thesis argument. although this is not in the paper requirements that was handed out. the paper with the assignment was rather long, and several pages of all kinds of rules. There was a list of films we could choose. honestly, I wanted to do "End of Evangelion" which is SO RIPE with genius especially regarding film making as an artform... but, we had to stick to the list. I was gonna probably do "My Name Is Oona" because it's simple and easy and makes use of modern art and audio using black and white film. But, since "Apocalypse Now" was on the list, and he'd shown a clip of the sacrifice scene in which Kurts is slain I was curious about it since I'd never watched this film before. it just wasn't a popular film when I studied film in Philadelphia. My instructors in Philadelphia were more interested in films like: "The Exorcist", "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Fight Club" and analyzing some of my favorite contemporary films of the time like "Fight Club", and Sam Neil films. Yes, we did Citizen Kane in Philly, and YES is WAS ON THE LIST, but I felt that was just so normal and standard. Why isn't "All Quiet On The Western Front" on the list? But, alas, Exorcist wasn't on the list! Neither was 2001! So, I made the mistake of deciding to watch Apocalypse Now via some very friendly film fanatics from the lovely Czech Republic whom streamed it to me on their own dime, or whatever coins they use as metaphors... Not only was the film INCREDIBLY LOOOOOOONG it was rather horrifying, disturbing and incredibly UNCOMFORTABLE! Half way through I didn't want to even finish it, and I vented about it somewhat on FB. However, some of my friends (the male friends, since this film is grossly popular with a male audience) actually urged me to finish it, and also asked me which version I was watching? There's different versions? So, I went back to finish watching the film, and began to subjectively view the film as art... I still wasn't sure about doing my report on this film, and tried to get an HQ or HD version, and I the only version I could acquire with enough time required to complete the strict task was the Redux version which is apparent what I was originally watching streamed from the Czech republic. "Redux" also has discrepancies about it's pronunciation since some people think it's pronounced "ree-doo" like a re-do. being that I was already strapped for time, plus a final project film to start shooting footage for, AND a frigging' Holiday dinner to do, AND MY WORKSTUDY, plus my kid keeps almost bleeding to death FOR REAL, and tons of friggin' doctors & Hospital appointments, I HATE pressure and rushing! So, after consulting my teacher about it, and him seeming to like the idea of Apocalypse Now I decided since I'd already put in SO MUCH TIME, effort, and already did quite a bit of research on it already, to just go with it.
I don't know how I couldn't actually condensed the entire film into 3-5 pages, so after consulting my instructor, he told me to concentrate on just a few scenes like 2-3. I was going to an analysis comparison of the ending and the beginning sequences, plus an analysis of the Col. Kilgore full sequence. But, despite all my lengthy not taking which I spent days on, watching, re-watching, pausing, examining, I had to drop the entire Kilgore part. this is sad since it has the best camera tricks, technology, and techniques of the entire film right there, plus it's fraught allegories, symbolism, irony, motifs, pantone color palette schemes, and especially the heavy use of stacked lens filters. I just LOVE cameras! So, I just focused on these themes including the usage of audio and layering superimposed images, as well as analyzing WHY some parts effectively & deliberately break The Director's Line.
Having said that, I can"t believe I just typed all the stuff out... but, I could go on & on about Apocalypse Now and I've only watched it front to back about 6 times. But, I digress... The Video Graphics For My Film Thus Far:
Where do i even begin? Well, i HAVE been working on the experimental animation bits since October. That's the Butterfly work I did. Much of that will be in the film.
One this I'm struggling with is TRYING desperately to find SOMEBODY, ANYBODY whom can get ANY 3D tutorial for the NEW current Adobe Premiere Pro CC 2015 edition that actually works, and scripting that works, because even my instructor has no background in animation as I do.
What am I talking about?
THIS:
I want to make THIS but NOT with Adobe Illustrator, with Adobe Photoshop files. I can't get "The Slider" to work right, and I also can't get the wings to animate on the axis.
I can't find any NEW or CURRENT tutorials/demos step by step for this in the NEW version of Adobe After Effects. Not one, and nobody I personally know whom might have knowledge in this program won't help me. 3 people blew me off. And, whenever I tried to ask the instructors of these videos what to do, over a month has passed and I never got a single reply. Many videos, and other demos online ASSUME you already KNOW the program, and the basics... but, I don't.
I've tried repeatedly to trouble-shoot this, but I just haven't figured it out yet. Everyone swears its SO EASY yet, no one has any clue how to make it work, nor understand why it doesn't work in the new version. Also, the OLD scripting codes don't work.
There's one part of my film that I REALLY need to have 3D butteflies of artwork by my daughter which I reworked and formatted,and also by Mr. Wang.
There are actually SO MANY things i would just LOVE to create using After Effects, but I'm just running out of time, and the other animated ideas I had have to be scrapped.
Here a whole chunk of stuff I'd just LOVE incorporate with my work, but I just don't have the guidance to learn it, and I've already run out of so much time, since I can ONLY work on this stuff AT SCHOOL which take a long time to commute to, and I don't own the program myself.
Playlist of stuff love love from After Effects:
After I shot a lot of footage during Thanks giving week and weekend, I realized I probably will need some graphics. Since I already have YEARS WORTH of stuff I created I began to go through my CD-ROM & DVD-ROM archives in stacks and it's sad what I actually lots or can't find.
I won't be using my animated logo since It's not really at a level of my actual vision, and doesn;t have the level of quality I would prefer. I'm so picky, about everything, especially my own stuff.
I know a lot of people will NOT be happy about this, but I WILL NOT BE USING THIS:
No groaning or whining! Nope! It's just not up to my actual vision for it despite the months of work I put into it! I like the original penciltest version of it, but i also feel it could just be way better, and also I couldn't do what i wanted with it. Also, all my instructors at the time whom loved it when i made it, actually nit-picked the hell out of it to force me to fail while passing other people with nowhere near the level of skills I had. So, Maybe i have a chip on my shoulders over it...
I was so nervous and sweating bullets when I screened my old 2001 demo reel which included this in it, and it old digital + VHS analog stuff. i guess I'm so accustomed to being slandered, bullied, teased, or mocked for so much of my work in New England despite being popular in Philadelphia, plus the fact that I was a "philosophy major" in a class with "video production" people and other artists, whereas I'm also an animator... being an artist was something people in the academic settings sneered at me over, or viewed me as crazy for doing it or being it... like being an artist was a mental illness... yet, since i was an artist, whenever i met other artists whom found out I wasn't majoring in art, they also had a kind of sneer towards me as well -like: gross! or, how boring! or, why would u do a thing like that?! Or an overall lack of respect for me... yet, when I screened my demo reel on the first day, and I felt I might have a heart attack, because it was so old, and dated, and I wanted to cry, I was surprised at just how much praise I got for it. People had so many questions, and I got a large applause, and many accolades for it.
But, sorry, I just won't be using this.
I will however, be using my own customized graphics.
The reason I came up with this idea was a string of things, and they're all kind of flowing together. "Flow" is kind of a major theme with me lately, especially in regards to Taoism concepts, and NO not the religious nonsense, I mean the concepts by Laozi (Lao Tsu).
Here's The graphics that I worked on for hours on Sunday:
It's not that much more ostentatious than anything by Tristar Pictures, or Columbia Pictures. It's just a still frame/graphic, and many studios have done it. Not that i wouldn't LOVE to do an animated logo, I WOULD, but that takes time which I don't have.
I often kept fighting myself, or fighting my inner self since there's this pressure to stifle a lot of my wilder or robust artistic visions. Many of my concept works at AIPH often had to be "simplified" or "toned down" which I was not always happy about, but if you're learning something you want to go with the standards... however, much of those ideas are way out of style now. I also do NOT see eye to eye artistically with my spouse as an artist, whom I often disagree intensely with. I find many of his tastes and preferences in art to be BLAND, BORING, FLAT, LAZY, or CHEAP. But, artistic tastes are VERY individual.
I also can veer into being a bit of an iconoclast, somewhat... yet, i was fearcely afraid of doing that at UMASS. Strangely, in the art department i found whenever I would do those things, even in the slightest, or the more robustly something kind of slipped out into my work, the more it was better received. I guess artists like THE WEIRD.
The actual assignment for the film is an intentionally vague word play on "document" and strongly implies modern art, or avant garde approaches to things. However, it was entirely open to interpretation. I found that my instructor, and much of the faculty (since I've attended a number of visiting artist lectures with them) have a strong fondness for modern art. Not that I don't like those things, I do... But, I can start to see and feel a theme here.
I wanted to go with a more surrealist or surrealism vibe to my film.
My instructor had encouraged me many times to switch my major to art, and not to totally drop out of school, which I almost did. it's not that i didn't love philosophy, i really love it, but I felt my desire for art growing stronger than ever, and it was killing me. I also has so many medical issues, and I just can't explain to anyone just how difficult it was on my commuting. Philosophy in the acedemic setting is on a regimented time slot, and altho' I was doing very well, with high grades, my perfectionism was just RUINING ME, and I could NOT handle the pressure, because I can't read very fast, and I need more time. Doing philosophy on my own time had zero pressure and I was free to explore it on my own time, and utilize it within my actual living life,whereas academic philosophy was about writing papers, and being exact, and being on time, and since I was older than everyone else i felt so much pressure within myself to be a better example to all of those young people. If I had lived nearby the school with a short commute it wouldn't have been an issue. But, with expenses, motherhood, and so much wasted downtime, and tons of guilt, shame, and pressure, I was in so much pain not just from my injuries, which was an onslaught of 1 after the other, but my mental state was just a hell. By early October I had these terrible thought about myself, my life, and I was wracked with anxiety and insomnia, plus the intense depression. My nerves were so bad that I would shake before I went to school, and when I got there I would start to cry every day because I had so much pain inside of me. I almost totally dropped out. I even considered going to some kind of institution for therapy because I wanted to die, and I felt so hopeless. But, as I was going through the process of dropping out, we decided to keep the video class, I also still wish I'd kept my English class because I really liked it. Now that I've changed my major to Art, I got all of the Spring Semester classes as video, and luckily all taught by the same instructor I have now. He also created a brand new class which will involved stop motion animation which is totally brand new, and it looks like we'll also be doing some 3D printing. I also made sure to get a digital media class. I'm assuming it's the newer Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator and my instructor said this teacher is a good one. It's strange because I'm actually not following any rules right now.... like, I'm supposed to take English and a Seminar... but, I'm totally getting away with doing what I actually want to do... I do feel very bad about not doing the academics, because I actually enjoy those. But, doing, learning, and improving what I actually want to makes me feel much happier. Also, film and video is a NEW thing at UMASS that just started recently. It's also expanding. They also have Cinema Studies as a Minor.
Even tho' I've switched from Philosophy to Art as my major, philosophy is STILL a HUGE part of my life, often every day just as before I started at UMASS. So, it's only natural that it will be inside of my artwork.
While I'm at my Workstudy in the Library in Quincy I listen to podcasts which are almost always philosophical, or strait up philosophy lectures. I also listen to inspirational stuff.
A big theme that really started to pick up once again in my life was "Tao" (The Way) regarding the concept of "Flow". It's been something I'm often contemplating. (Taoism concepts) These often have parallels in Ancient Greek philosophers and Pre-Socrattics like Heraclitus of Ephesus whom spoke about how one cannot step into the same river twice since it was always moving and flowing, where as Parmenides felt everything was part of the same steady flow. In China there were 2 different main Masters/teachers which were Laozi (Lao Tsu) whom created the principles of Taoism (Yin Yang) as forced of nature that flow and cycle, and emphasized concepts in nature much like the Greeks like "the river", flow, and water or wind/air, and the other allegedly his student Kong Fusi (Confucius) whom developed a different system. They are quite different since Laozi & Toaism emphasize "embracing the un-carved block" and "cultivating the way" (symbolic reference to farming or gardening) whereas Kong Fusi (Confucius) founded of Confucianism emphasizes more on rules, refinement (a refined piece of jade is elegance, and a human being must be thus, scrubbed, carved, whittled away, roughness made smooth ), loosing ones wildness, manners, but also an emphasis on one's status or place in society almost but not quite like the Hindu Cast System. Although I find I often dislike most of the bulk of the content from Confucianism there are a number of key aspects, which Zen Buddhists also seem to love, are his concepts of compassion, kindness, benevolence, but also enduring and overcoming hardships, abuses, and very bad things in life, often in the hopes of some sort of transitional or transformational aspect of the self.
It was during my time at my workstudy job I stumbled across a philosophy by Shannon Lee, daughter of the late Bruce lee whom often made a HUGE emphasis in his life and works using and reinterpreting Taoist concepts for a mid-late 20th century audience or his own students. He's most known for his "water" quotes which are basically paraphrased from Laozi (Laotsu) but in his own words. Lee was very much an artist and incredible creative person. So, in my down-times often on my commutes I was researching Bruce Lee information since there's so much more out there now due to Shannon Lee. And, I must say that as beautiful as she is It's uncanny and almost haunting at the strikingly STRONG resemblance to her older brother, the late Brandon Lee that I almost expected her to say "can't rain all the time" [from the film "The Crow" 1994] Yes, rain/water/flow pun intended!
Much of these podcasts which are partly lectures, and partly inspirational, and partly almost like a talk show filled with so much personal stuff.
Bruce Lee often liked to use symbolisms in his work. In Enter The Dragon there are many parable-like parts, and the mirror scene at the end is full of symbolism. In Game of Death which is apparently an incomplete unfinished film he also uses heavily themes like levels, archetypes, philosophy applied to psychology in character development, pragmatism, and it's also very iconoclastic. It refuted the rigidity of rules or conformity. it also weaves in and out of some aspects of Confucianism with a heavy emphasis more on Taoism's FLOW or water ideology and flexibility as well as using nature as a symbolic philosophy. At the same time he uses a fusion of East and West, New and Old, and instead of wearing a martial arts uniform he wears a modern yellow tracksuit which is the furthest thing from the ancient styles since he was very much into fitness, athletic self care, and practical mobility. He also heavily incorporates dance and individual artistic self expression.
Much of these things really had my mind going, so since I had already come up with the butterfly graphics as a way of participating in #Inktober & #Drawtober as a artistic practice, I also intended to use it for my experimental animations for my final/film. Also, these butterflies have the Chinese characters in them and I wanted to stick with a word pun themes plus "flow".
This sort of morphed, or should I say meta-morphed (butterfly pun) into expanding to other things, ideas, etc... that being Etymology. So, even tho' I had many times seen it demonstrated as a small demonstration how Chinese words are written, which began as pictographs, I felt I could take this and make a story out of it which was a layers of puns either written or spoken, yet also be somewhat abstract.
So, I shot an entire scene with doing Chinese calligraphy. I realize my calligraphy is terrible, and I'm out of practice, so I will include several subtitles, because it can't be understood in English without it unless u are bilingual PLUS can read Chinese. (Not everyone that speaks Chinese can read Chinese.) It also includes a similar Buddhist concept called Dharma which is semi similar to Taoism's concept of "The Way" which I believe was created by Siddhartha Gautama (often referred to by many titles as the first Buddha, The Tathagotta, and many other titles but was just a normal human being and not actually a god) to refute the Hindu Cast System of Karma. It's sometimes compared to Chinese "Daoli" modern Taoist ideas and popular in Zen circles.
I've re-shot multiple takes, until I realized the camera angle was bad. The final uncut/unedited version is this one:
And, since I was already going with the flow on this stuff, word puns, etymology, surrealism, art, Taoism, etc. I figured I follow through with it in my own name, and thus that led to the graphics.
Here, this is how it flows into each other:
Here's a quick shot of my Chinese name on a Chinese name stamp/seal or whatever word u want to call it.
My surname in Chinese is "ren" almost all of the original characters (especially starting with the butterflies) are also pronounced "ren". My Full Ming Zi (Chinese name) is 任思麒 "Ren Siqi". Si + Qi means one whom considers or contemplated that Qi (referring to Qilin, sometimes depicts as unicorns, or dragon-like horse/deer animal beings of great auspiciousness, that walk on the air or clouds, and often foretold the birth of either Confucius, Lao Tsu, or other great figures, usually thinkers). (Not that I'm 1 o' those dudes!!!)
Much of the words in my Chinese name 任思麒 are ALSO in the video footage calligraphy story. It's layers of puns within puns.
Since I already have mys own artwork already, I edited and reformatted the graphics...
So, I figured, Since that's my name, I'd put the graphics pair may name with the image in the graphics, which by the way are also depicting the Qilin WITH FLOWING HAIR on a cloud, with auspicious mists (air/water flow).
There, you see? That's how I did that, that's WHY I did that. It all "FLOWS" together.
I've been avoiding show this stuff to Mr. Wang whom has his rigid concept of whatever he thinks is Chinese this or that, which completely is at odds with so much of the official literature I've have put in years worth of researching, learning, contemplating... and remember "The Tao that can be named IS NOT THE WAY" which means just by saying his rigid ideas and affirming at as so (even tho' he also never puts the time into learning it) he is therefore WRONG, and it is NOT the way. he also seems rather xenophobic or ethnocentric over it, since I'm not a person of ethnic Sino heritage.
This reminds me of things that zen practitioners often comment about how when people try to build a Chinese "scholar's garden" either in the West, or new ones in Asia, they never do anything new, and don't actually follow the principles thereby not ACTUALLY creating a true scholar's garden but a making a COPY of something that already exists. Remember "the Tao (The Way) that can be named is not the Tao (The Way)".
This all sort of dove-tails into the modernized words of Bruce Lee.
See? It all makes sense.
I wouldn't say it was clever, or genius.... but, I would say it's FUNNY or humorous. To me it is. But, i don't mean it in a mocking way at all.
Other examples of this etymology styles of art are not actually new and I recall throughout China all kinds of wall, paintings, memorials, and placards with rows of words with the same sounding name, but each character was a different and a different meaning. There is a Chinese classical novel "A Dream of Red mansions" which often makes use of the etymology throughout the story, not just as poetry but various scenes, and cultural ideas. The great poet Li Bai (744 AD–762 AD) often made use of this punning artistic style, and many of the written out versions of his poems contain related characters which have similarly constructed characters, or they rhyme, or have different meanings or feeling when receipted out loud versus the way they are written down. I don;t know how to actually explain this in English, and I'm not actually an expert in it at all. So, it's not my full brand new idea, it's based on things which already exist. I have so much more to say on the other bits of content yet to be put into my film. I've records video footage, and audio recordings. But, I've already written a lot, and i'm tired.
