Winter Ended

Some Frustration Bits: 

The problem with doing most of ur work dependent on a Windows PC machine is the frequent amount of constant setbacks including updates which can often set me back a whole day or overheat the RAM or video card, or cause things to suddenly STOP WORKING.There's also the CONSTANT onslaught of hackings. I get hacked so often, that it sucks the life out of me and can cause me to have severe health issues if it triggers stress hormones. It isn't fun at all, and now that I'm almost 40 it can trigger days or weeks on insomnia and/or fatigue. This can also be further exasperated by living in New England which has the worst weather swings day-to-day. I often question my own sanity as a result of these hackings. Like: Am I imaging this stuff? Why won't my streams broadcast? Why do my neighbors have faster internet than I do? 

Also, I'm the kind of person that would RATHER stick to 1 thing at a time, and see it through to the end. Not start several things and never finish anything... but, when you keep having certain setbacks that you can't explain or control, you often need to start something else and come back to it whenever it's starting to work or function again. 

Like: Why didn't After Effects' camera/motion tracking not work all summer, but it worked fine in February? Why didn't my Florida travel video project stop working in April Last year, but it works fine now? Why does all the other projects and videos I have work fine when I load them into After Effects but NOT my Portfolio Demo video clip even if I format it in a more compressed n lower resolution version?

It also ALWAYS seems to be THE thing I'm most passionate or excited to work on, and this can also happen with OBS. Why is it that some projects I can't even streams, but something I don't even care about does? It also doesn't matter if its a camera set-up or a software window capture or a screen capture. I can often be setback for hours just for 1 thing, then when those things are finally done, either the computer is overheated, the internet goes out, the power goes off, or I need to wait until the following day... and let's just HOPE that Java, Windows, or Adobe DOES NOT DO AN UPDATE otherwise NO STREAMING WHATSOEVER. My internet is also VERY SLOW. 

Here is my Filmmaker/Animator/Artist DEMO:

I was SO proud of myself for finally getting to work on this... I put so much effort and work into it, but I'm SO FUNDAMENTALLY DISAPPOINTED because this in ONLY the Final cut BEFORE the Effects Edit. 

Unfortunately After Effects just WILL not let me do any effects on it. I've tried EVERYTHING I could possibly think of to try and get AE to even import it, let alone play it, or let me use an effect on it. I tried in vain to trouble shoot it for over 2 weeks, and it wore me out. If I had an Apple, I'm sure it could work... but for whatever reason, it just vetos this video clip in ANY format, and won't even allow me to import the Premiere file either. SO, I gave up, like I gave up with my Florida project. Which ironically will work now, but I stopped caring at this point. But, I will probably come back to it eventually. However, i'm sure that by the time AE might reside to allow my to edit it. I'll already have a new cut/edit anyways...

Some Sad Bits: 

I often have a 60-120 second delay when I watch other people streaming, and I got timed-out from a stream because the streamer repeatedly insisted on me telling them why I didn't like a certain new film, then temp-banned/timed-out me, and I didn't even find out until a min & half AFTER she told me to stop discussing it, and that I was being "uncool".  Then, everyone in the chat was calling me names after the streamer even said to change the subject. I didn't even know until after the fact. And, these were people I actually liked and respected, so I don't know how to feel about it.

Another friend of mine whom I had known a long time and was very fond of despite their obvious issues out of nowhere banned me from chatting on her stream. I had no idea why. She also never answered my messages, left my Discord, then last month out of the blue unfriended me. I have no idea why. It bothered me for months. All I know is that 1 of my friends unintentionally picked a fight, or rather that person did, over an issue, on FB and since that person had a few mental issues which we all knew about, for whatever reason my other friend didn't let it go since she has a habit of often taking a contrary stance  any number of topics as a part of her personality. So, that friend unfriended, then blocked HER... but this was WEEKS before she banned me. So, the friend whom had the FB fight with her felt totally awful & remorseful about the FB fight, n told me NOT to mention it to that person, and NOT to defend her, and that what she did, even tho' she wasn't wrong on the counter point argument was wrong to fight with her knowing that this person had been abused her whole life, and had these issues of amygdala hijacking binary thinking and high sensitivity. She said she felt so bad about it and cried about it for a long time. So, did this person punish me for what our other friend did? 

What is REALLY sad about it, is we both knew this person was highly sensitive, and moody, and also often contradicted herself. ON her stream she often would insult & berate her audience whom also seemed to enjoy being called "a piece of shit". I realize it sounds bad when I point out that this person did some things in stream that were nasty, but I still understood a number of the reasons why this person behaved in these ways, and YES I still LOVED THIS PERSON ANYWAY. 

So, when people say things like: "well it was a toxic relations ship", "she did you a favor", or "you don;t need a person like that in your life anyway" I don't agree, and NOT out of bias. If someone is your FRIEND you love them EVEN THO' they have dark spots, ugly spots, or bad behaviors, BECAUSE THAT IS REAL LOVE/FRIENDSHIP. I KNEW she has these behaviors, and YES she often called me a "cunt" but also often ranted about misogyny and stubbornly WOULD NOT see how she was being misogynistic & disrespectful by calling ME, her friend, that. Overall, tho' I would profess that my relationship with her was a really good one. It was clear to me that she did these things as method of psychologically "internalizing" the abuses that were done to her, then "taking her power back" in a way and using it on others. Yes, it was misguided. Yes it was hypocritical. But YES she was also redeemable. She's a complicated person with pitfalls, flaws, idiosyncrasies, and can verge into conceded or arrogant behaviors, then go from highs & lows due to chemical imbalances in her brain. She wasn't all bad. She was actually a very big hearted person, and very compassionate, which was why cared about her a lot. And, it wasn't fake, like other people. 

I don't believe that she didn't care about me. Often times when I was sad, she often privately chatted with me, and I very much appreciated that she cared about me. 

So, when she just banned me like this, out of the blue, it hurt a lot. 

I've NEVER been nasty to her, nor rude. 

So, it hurt very much that she just threw me away like a piece of trash. 

The fact that I cared about her, and maintained a relationship of friendship with her was also a source of ridicule for/from those whom didn't understand her. 

Telling me I was better off without her, or "if you play with fire, you're going to get burnt" is actually VERY insensitive, and just makes me feel worse. You thinking I haven't contemplated that? Honestly, I'm the type of person that would rather work things out, or talk things out. But, she never said a word to me. Not one. And, I'm NOT BUYING IT that she got conceded, full of herself, overconfident, snobby, or that somehow she was jealous of me. Jealous of WHAT? I'm nobody. Honestly, if I could talk it out with her right now, I would.... but, that door seemed to be shut forever now, and I STILL have no idea why... I've been through it in my mind over and over, and I'm nonplussed, bewildered, flabbergasted, gobsmacked, dumbfounded. 

Perhaps, its unrealistic to expect fully sane and healthy behaviors from a person with some verifiable mental problems (yet, we need to be mindful of these things), but this person DOES know right from wrong, and CAN make sound minded judgements. But, emotion CAN cloud the mind, and impair judgement...  that is the only closest rational point I can come to. I still don't hate her, and still care about her. But, if someone doesn't love you, you can;t make them feel something they don't, even if its a friend.

I DON'T want to bash, nor bad-mouth, any of these persons. I don't have any malice nor ill will towards any of them. They were all needless, impulsive, misunderstandings. But, it is upsetting to me. 

I won't be naming anyone, nor throwing anyone under the bus either... I also don't hate these persons.

Some Unhealthy Bits:

Other than that, I also am having very bad problems with fatigue. It is REALLY BAD, that sometimes I can't get out of bed, or often need to lie down throughout the day. I'm considering giving up coffee for a while to see if it is the cause. I'd recently found out about certain substances found within plant products that can block nutrients such as minerals & vitamins. I've also been suffereing from these symptoms for a few years now, and COFFEE is known to do this, as are some greens and vegetables. I have very bad skin problems, my hair is thinning, and there's a slight white coating on my tongue. So, I worry that maybe I have an infected organ. I do actually go outside frequently to play Pokemon Go and I do get sunlight. I've also NEVER gotten a flu or cold at all this year which has never happened in my entire life. I usually get 2-3 colds or flus. I also did not take a flu vaccine (which I feel is bunk and profit motive driven from Obama's Admin, but I have all my other vaccinations). But, I WOULD like to get a Booster shot soon because measles is going around, and that can make a person bedridden for up to a year, you can also go deaf, blind, and get brain damage. 

There are days when I question my sanity over the lethargy/fatigue I have as well, because some days I feel not as bad. I wondered if I was just a hypochondriac, or maybe it was all in my head... so, I would stupidly try to do things and make myself worse because I was ignoring my problems. I was worried about getting scurvy so I ate a lot of things with Vitamin C, B Vitamins, and a lot of plant stuff... but, I was still consuming meat here n there, milk, butter, etc... just not a lot... so, I don't know if I just need more of those. I am unsure. 

I also find I often have this lethargy problem when its an equinox. So I don't know. 

Art Bits:

My most popular streaming stuff is when I do painting. Especially when I am doing Figure painting by Windstone Editions.

I have ranted bout my spouse throwing out my 1990s VINTAGE SABLE BRUSHES, and I WAS FURIOUS!

I have some new brushed, but they are NOT Sable, nor vintage. :(

These painting sessions are SO labor intensive to set up. It sounds simple: set up the camera, open the programs, start streaming, but is can take up to 3 hours or more just to get it started.

Since I no longer have my sable brushes, I NEED to use boiling hot water to shape the brushes. And, with fiddling with all this stuff, providing I'm not getting hacked, nor having an update, and my internet isn't fighting me, and I have no film crew or producer and do it all myself, the water can often need to be reboiled, and if I don't time it right I often need to reboil the water at least 3 times.

Hopefully within those times, another program won't overheart the video card or the processor, or the GPU or the RAM. It's SO FUSSY. It can be absolutely nerve racking!

I know when I go on a lot of people's streams they tell me they love to watch me animated and often ask me to do more of THAT... but the numbers on my animation streams are actually very low, even on peak times for streaming.

But, when I'm painting the number are significantly higher, people are MORE likely to chat with me, and THAT is a lot more work to set up than chatting when animating or doing graphics just for audio.

Also, when I'm doing the painting stuff, I often find my legs n feet get very stiff and feel like they are atrophying. It can take 2-3 days worth of stretching to help fix it, provided it's NOT RAINING. Even just a 10 min rain can make it worse for a whole week. Plus, rain seems to make my camera batteries lose charge even if I just charged them fully the night before.

I am looking forward to finishing this up. I do enjoy working on it. I actually enjoy painting outside, and I'm looking forward to that by summer.

Production Still: "A Spirit To Be Free"

 
TV Bits:

I also have plans to do some PAINTING TECHNIQUE VIDEOS later this year. 

I STILL need to speak with the TV Studio this month or next month to set that up. 

THEY WILL BE FREE. 
And MANY people have been requesting them, including non-artists.

I have my own TV show, which is still in the works, and I'm trying to wrap a number of those things up, some of which are film(s) related.

And, I might actually be doing a Star Trek/Sci-Fi Commentary Show as well... POSSIBLY...

Character "Moonbeam" on set of "The Holy Maple Tree" by Roland K. Shot on 50mm

Film Bits:


I just found out we finally got a new set secured for the film I've been working on since 2016 (The Holy Maple Tree). I just found this out today. I'm also the DP on this film.

So, I'm looking forward to finishing this headdress piece for a main character in the film, but also to getting back to filming.


So, I'm hoping to finish that up this week.

I dearly hope nothing goes wrong because if I can't stream I'm still going to be working on this anyway.

I need to also do some research for the film scenes because I want candle light, and lighting changes, plus multiple lenses.

I'll mostly be using my 50mm Prime  w Bokeh shapes, and my kit lens w star/cross filters, and maybe fog filters.

I need to make the Maple Leaf Roses as well.

I had originally used real Maple Leafs, but that was back in Sept-November and they are all dried n brown now.

Now, I have purchased some cloth ones.

I'd mentioned this on 1 of my other blogs:

This is 1 of those things I was really surprised at how much attention I got for it.

I wanted to finish this at least 2 weeks ago. But, I'm still not done.

I have streamed it a little bit. But, I wanted my energy back to work on it. Animation works better when I am in a more energetic mood, but I felt like my brain functions weren't working right.

i made my husband take me shopping finally on Friday, and I got Vitamin E, Biotin, and OMEGA 3 FATTY ACID with EPA & DHA. It was a noticeable improvement. SO I hope to take it again. But, I think it's a bad idea to take it while drinking coffee. So, I often need to wait for that to digest, and I often forget to take it before the evening because Vitamin B makes me not sleep.

I often pass out from severe fatigue a few times a day for the past 6 weeks. I really noticed it after I kept going outside to play Pokemon Go but the arctic winds would start blowing while I was out. I felt utterly depleted when it did often for 3-4 days. And even if it's 60 degrees out but those winds are blowing, it just burns up my nutrients.

I also feel like more of my hair is gray than ever.

My health usually improves by Summer anyway.... so, hopefully it will.
I'm just really glad I never caught a cold of flu.

All of the little small films & motion graphics will be a part of my TV Show "A Spirit To Be Free".


I really hope my energy comes back, because this is really devastating for me. There's been so many times in the past few years where I could be very energetic, and hyper, and I could churn out animation, artwork, and films 1 after the other like it was nothing... It's like riding an awesome wave. I SO wish I could get back to that! Because when it's like that, its effortless and sometimes even euphoric.

A major issue with it not happening is the hackings I keep getting.

For some reason, someone(s) really hates me so much, and even sabotaged me from going to the gym at a critical time of really improving my health and getting back to my art. Terrorists don't make any sense.
I was served a restraining order because of what the terrorists did to the people at the gym to target me, so I cannot go to any of the gyms in that franchise in the entire area. It was already a major struggle just to get into a gym because of the cost, and also because I don't own my own car. The gym also refused to call Homeland Security, and I was studying for my BA at UMASS at the time.

The terrorists also did what they did to the gym to a few other locations based on my Yelp check-ins, including a local pizza place, and a few others in 2017. I had to go home in an armored police vehicle with my daughter, and my family's cellphones were harassed with racial slurs.

I have a number of really lovely ideas, and it takes time to learn, practice, but also in the process of DOING THEM... I'm unsatisfied that I have NOT finished these things yet.

But, at least I AM doing these things...

I can only go at whatever pace I can, whenever I can. I have no control over chaos, external factors. And, "magical thinking" doesn't make our world a better one. I have no control over power-outs, computer crashes, hackers, persons with manias and madness causing trouble, or robbing me.

I also can't MAKE people understand me if they don't, won't, or don't want to. I can't make people like or value me either. But, I also CAN'T be fake.

I don't want to be a faker on my stream either... I do value politeness, courtesy, and even diplomacy, but a number of situations sometimes make me wonder if people were telling me what they THOUGHT I wanted to hear, if they were just MARKETING, or CUSTOMER SERVICING ME, humoring me, and being an all out faker or humbug, or perhaps to a small degree.... But, I don't like fake politeness, or "baiting" either...

Unfortunately, we live a in a screwy world.... there's no real role models, and not everything is as it seems.

Much like Bruce Lee, I am an iconoclast, and I care very much about integrity, and genuine honesty to one self.

I wish I were better, and could do better. But, at least I keep striving to get there. I wish I could wave a magic wand and all the problems would just vanish. I wish there were no setbacks, untrustworthy & deceptive persons, health problems, unnaturalness, and so on... but, we're not in that world, we're in this one.

Like I have said before, I only have the rest of my life left, and its already half over.

Every morning I wake up and think about half of my life being gone. At least I don't think about the relationships that suddenly blew me off, cut me off, n rebuked me, out of nowhere, or betrayed me, which was how I felt from 2004-2017. I'm glad those persons don't matter to me anymore.... but when I was a young person it very much did.

You don't get to choose which friends u care about, or love, the most. It just happens, cruel as it is...

I could intellectually understand it, but emotionally I couldn't. SO it was an internal battle. I often still dreampt about these persons, and I used to have beliefs about dreams when I was younger that I no longer believe. There are a lot of things I no longer believe.

Today I can look at these relationships, and without feeling any sadness, I can objectively wonder why I ever valued them, because they clearly didn't value me, and I was just convenient to them. It's also the reason why I never use terms like "Best Friend" or "Soul Mate" because anyone that ever seemed to be this after calling them this, or them calling me this, would unravel from that point on.

I don't know why when I look into the past, some things seemed more true or reliable, but I can also see where others were fake, or a facade. Or, other people became mad or committed suicide out of nowhere, or on a fit of depression began using H. I would NEVER turn to using H no matter what.

But, at this point, the Opiate problem is a serious issue. It's nothing something I can understand. But, many of the most devastating and damaging  relationships I had were due to people pushing up H mixed with some unrealistic "spiritual" ideology that they just never bothered to questions nor examine, and often punished themselves by punishing me. I honestly have lost count of how many people were doing H then went mad, and abused me a lot with their back n forth mistreatment of me. 

The first time I ever encountered the problems with people using H was in the late 90s. 

I don't know why H addicts are so likeable and friendly... but, they have either a pathological or habitual liar problem. The majority of these persons were usually Single White Females as well... Or it was M. With men, it was often in combination with cocaine.

I just don't understand drug addiction, alcoholism, or substance abuse. I try so hard to be understanding, and have tried for decades. I don't want to castigate or be cruel to these persons either. I understand they have problems.  There's a reason why I don't live in New Jersey anymore, actually several. New Jersey was a hub for drugs, and drug abuse. The majority of the persons I grew up with there all left the state, went mad, or committed suicide, and it was usually substance abuse related. 

All I ever wanted to do was achieve some goals in life, contribute to the world around me, and be a decent human being... so I don't understand how so many things decayed so badly...

Life ought to be beautiful, fun, and flourishing. If we could just ALL come together, put our differences aside, and get along, all the big issues wouldn't have even happened, or they would've been solved 10 years ago. In fact, there's solutions RIGHT NOW. And, its NOT even difficult.

All I can do is try... and my life is a record of that. At least I tried, and more than once or twice.

If you've gotten this far in reading this blog, by this point, then I want to appeal to you RIGHT NOW, that if you have any guilt, remorse, or regret over something YOU have ever done, THIS IS YOUR LIFE and YOU ARE STILL LIVING RIGHT NOW.

I want to APPEAL TO YOU to try and make amends to WHOEVER IT WAS you wronged, dissed, blew off, hurt, or whatever. NO MATTER WHO IT IS, and EVER if its a person you HATE. I ask you to contemplate in your mind what it might be like if you ACTUALLY tried to resolve that problem and IT ACTUALLY WORKED OUT.

HOW MUCH BETTER would you feel if YOU apologized to whoever you wronged, and how much weight might be lifted from you? Guilt has a way of eating away at the mind.

I've just NEVER understood how people could be so bad to each other, because from my perspective if I thoughtlessly, or unwittingly hurt someone so badly, especially someone I loved, it would make me feel horrible, and I would go out of my way to make it right.


Every time I hear people whom claim they confronted their victims or whomever they betrayed it 9 times out of 10 goes well.... even if you were that 1 out of 10 that it didn't go well, at least u tried, and many people often feel better, or after the fact the person actually comes back and forgives them.

Maybe you cold give it some thought on your commute, or when your standing in line at the store, or when you're in the shower, or making coffee...

Just THINK about it.


It's funny how when this topic comes up with people I know, about a week later they thank me for saying it, even if it upset them at the time. Don't expect a miracle.
And, some people might lie, or humor you, or tell you what you want to hear, or fall back into old patterns again... but, what if it wasn't that bad?

If you've NEVER even bothered to try, then why not TRY? The stronger person would; it takes strength and courage, but trying makes it easier for the next few tries.

It's OK if you cry.

Don't wait until your death bed to wish you tried.